Jonny Wilkinson: ‘My devotion to sport was dangerously high’

The former rugby player Jonny Wilkinson, 45, grew up in Surrey and made his England debut aged 18. He scored the extra-time drop goal against Australia that won England the 2003 World Cup. He made 91 appearances for his country and was England’s leading points scorer until his record was broken last year. Since retiring in 2014, he has become an ITV pundit and founded a kombucha brand. He lives in Berkshire with his wife and daughter.
When you’re injured, you feel lost and confused. There’s anxiety, grief and depression. After three of my injuries I was told, “You may not come back at all.” I kept getting injured because I wouldn’t rest, trust or sit back. I didn’t have patience or compassion for myself. Thankfully, the injuries were a catalyst for me to say, I refuse to go on like this.
Family life often took the brunt of whether my professional life was going well or not. The passion and devotion I had to sport was dangerously high. That made it very tough on people around me. Not competing any more, I feel so much more present.
I figured one World Cup wasn’t enough, so I started trying to get another one. Winning the World Cup is phenomenal. But it wears off. You think that it will fill a hole, but you’re still who you are.
I had a huge sense of fear and doom when I was young. I had a thing about perfection. It got mixed up with this idea about finding out what I was capable of. It all came together in winning, leading, performing and always giving your all.
Cheese and wine aren’t my thing. I didn’t eat much cheese in France [he played for Toulon for five years]. But it was awesome learning the language. I started to dream in French; suddenly, you’re speaking French. When you come back to England, people are saying, “Hold on, who are you?”
I was always thinking about the next game. There was no relaxation. I was ruing the mistakes of the last game, then feeling the anxiety, stress and pressure of the next one.
Retirement from rugby is just another challenge. You suddenly realise, there’s a lot of reasons why I played rugby, not just because I grew up loving it. It was part of my self-worth. That’s why I felt so low in worth when it went.
When I kicked the winning drop goal in the World Cup, muscle memory took over. I celebrated so half-heartedly when the ball went over because it was like I was still coming back into my body and almost thinking, “What the hell is going on?”
It’s nice turning off your phone. Especially when you’re sleeping. When your body is properly recovering, you want to create a peaceful, sterile environment. When I go away, I keep my phone on just in case my family needs me, but when we’re all together, I’m like, “Let’s make sure we give our bodies a chance.”
No one could have got me off that pitch. People tried hard, believe me. But once I was on, I was on a mission.
Buddhism was a trigger. When someone told me about the Buddha, I thought, I need to get into that. Buddhism was to lead me to yoga, quantum physics and self-investigation.
My brother and I learnt early on that competition between us was not a good idea. We were constantly playing ball in the garden — ball sports were our passion. But direct competition didn’t end well. We were on our own little missions and weren’t really willing to surrender at any point. Strangely, when we get together now, we do the same thing.
I make up songs that no one ever hears. I play guitar and I’ve started learning the piano and I use both to express myself. I grew up with the Beatles, and my parents got married to their song Something. That tends to be the first one I play.
After retiring, I had time to pick blackberries and let them ferment. I was working on my mental and emotional health and starting to understand the importance of gut health. My wife was exploring the healing capacity of bacteria. Together we went all in, making sourdough, kefir yoghurt, sauerkraut, kimchi and kombucha in the back room.
When I was younger, I was far more unhappy. The same challenges come up now. But I’m growing and evolving. On my deathbed, if you were to ask me, “Did you make the most of it?” I’d say, “Ah, I’m closer.”
Jonny Wilkinson is the founder of the kombucha brand One Living (oneliving.com)